1st hospitalization 2004
Let me tell you of a place I’ve been. Most people will never go there. Those who know about it try to forget it. It is found at the hospital but tucked away quietly in a corner so as to not draw attention to itself. Much of what goes on in there won’t be repeated, or shouldn’t be. I’m speaking of the psychiatric ward. I’m there now. What got me in here? The gist of it is that I have bipolar disorder. It is a lot the same as having cancer or other chronic diseases, but there is much more to it than that.
Irrational thinking crowds out any room for sane or rational thoughts. The pain you feel is mental, it is so different than physical pain. It is more of anguish than pain. The confusion and hopelessness you feel is indescribable. My effort to explain this pales in comparison to the reality of it all. Your thoughts race too quickly to be timed or controlled. Your skin crawls over your whole body. You desperately attempt to calm or stimulate it but there is no relief. You can’t breathe. The harder you try to stop it the stronger it seems to get. Sucking the very will and determination against it out of you. Gaining strength and force until, no matter how hard you try you think of suicide. Death, now there’s the solution. The only logical solution of ending the nightmare. That is what it is, a nightmare you can’t wake up from.
So here I am at the psychiatric ward of the hospital. The fear of failure and stigma attached to a crazy person floods my mind. Embarrassing and difficult to accept. But you know what, I can’t help it. Just like you can’t help having cancer. Some things you just can’t control no matter how hard you try. I’ve learned an awful lot while being in this place. I learn mostly from other patients. My heart aches for many of them. For some there is no hope no cure from modern medicine. I’m grateful for the medicines that are helping me but man can’t cure everyone. Man can’t play God. At many times I’ve felt that God has forsaken me- that I deserve this ill fate. Deep down I know and believe and have faith. But sometimes the “right now” is the most important thing. Living right now is so difficult. Not to think of the past or look ahead to the future. It can be so discouraging to think about tomorrow. You hope tomorrow you will feel better, but the past has proved the contrary. This may be the loneliest and most God forsaken place on earth. Or is it? Maybe the angels and God are so near to us and aware of us and our plight. Many times, the medicine causes a numb feeling. Not physically but emotionally. Sometimes you can’t cry. Sometimes you can’t feel sad. I would say that sometimes you can’t feel happy, but I’m not sure how that feels. A part of me doesn’t want to believe I’ve ever felt happiness because I hope and wish and pray that someday I can taste of happiness, or at least an idea of what it should be.
My plea to people, to society is that they don’t condemn the “crazy”. The people here are human. They have deep and tender feelings. I do believe that there are in fact crazy people. They are the ones that can’t or won’t get help for their illness or pain. Be patient, be loving and understanding. Not necessarily an understanding of what they are experiencing, because you cannot possibly do so. But an understanding that they are a child of God. They have been given this assignment to learn and grow – to do their best – then return to the presence of God, just like you. We are all in this together. I am eternally grateful for the help and support given to me. May God save you from such an experience!
I wrote this in 2004. I have been admitted into the hospital a total of four times from then until now. Each time I have been there I have come to understand just how difficult a fight this is. Sometimes it feels like my spirit is broken and that I don’t have any more to give. It is only the support of my family that keeps me going. My daughters and my grandchildren bring me so much joy! I look forward for the next time I get to spend with them. It is so important to find that hope, that drive to keep going. I am so lucky to have them.
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